black and white
by cheertennis12
Summary: Bensidy, now MULTI-CHAPTER, Postmortem Blues. "Her head was telling her to keep Brian at a distance, and to learn to self-soothe, as that was going to be the new norm. But her heart knew that in the moment, she would want him, and she wasn't quite ready to let that door of potential close"
1. Chapter 1

**Here we go... my first attempt at a fanfic, so be nice! **

**ONE SHOT for now, but with a definite possibility for continuation if I come up with a worthy direction to take this in (suggestions and critique welcomed and appreciated!)**

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"Do you want us to call Cassidy?" Nick asked.

Her heart screamed _YES_ as she calmly answered with an effortless excuse about being 'fine' and wanting to sleep.

Who was she kidding. Sleep was almost a laughable suggestion at this point. She didn't want to be alone, and the two men standing in front of her knew that as well as she did. But she couldn't handle them see her like this. _Again._ Nick, Fin, and especially Brian. They couldn't see her break.

Nick and Fin reluctantly agreed to leave. She closed her eyes and rested her head against the arm of the couch as she heard the door close behind them and soaked in the first silence of the day.

She let her mind wander back to the suggestion of Brian and the breakup, a mere two weeks before. He had been her rock after her first encounter with Lewis. Every hard day and sleepless night at the beginning, he was there to pull her out of her head and into his arms.

He had called her that afternoon at the hospital. She was shocked to hear from him, but would have been more surprised to have not. She vaguely remembered jumping down his throat at the suggestion of him coming home to be with her, the sedatives still blurring her recollections from the hospital, and for that she was almost thankful. She hadn't spoken to Brian since that night they decided to split and he had packed a suitcase, kissed her forehead and left, unwilling to prolong the inevitable. She didn't want to admit how good it was to hear his voice.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. They loved each other. But what happened with Lewis didn't change anything. She still wanted a family; he didn't. It was cut and dry, black and white. It wasn't going to work, and she didn't want to lead him on and abuse his comfort now only to shatter both of their hearts again when she felt strong enough to stand on her own and they had to once again face the reality of their situation. With the sting of the wounds too fresh on her heart, she pushed him out of her mind.

She closed her eyes, her thoughts shifting from Brian to snapshots of the last year. The beach house. The bathroom. The courtroom. Now she could tack 'the granary' to that unfortunate list of unforgiving places. She felt her heart begin to race.

She sat up quickly and ran her fingers through her hair in a desperate attempt to calm herself. The way Brian used to do all those late nights after the first time, when he would wake up with her, hold her, cry with her, and promise her she was safe.

And the way _HE_ did as he poured vodka down her throat, planted his harsh lips on her neck, and taunted the unspeakable things he had planned for their time together.

And with that memory, she let her hands drop and rest by her side, letting out a breath she hadn't felt herself holding. Every time she closed her eyes, she was pressed against that table, Lewis grinding behind her as his hands roughly groped her body, Amelia's cries echoing in her ears. It was just too much.

She reached over and grabbed Nick's cell phone he had insisted upon leaving with her; her own being held by the NYPD as a piece of evidence. "Just in case..." Amaro had trailed off as he looked at her with knowing eyes while she promised them again she just wanted to be alone.

She carefully dialed. She could feel her hands shaking as she brought the phone up to her ear, praying he would answer the unfamiliar number.

"Cassidy" He answered nonchalantly.

"B-Bri?" was all she managed to choke out, the conversation she had carefully planned in her head flying out the window as soon as she heard his voice.

"Liv..." He said softly. The two sat in silence for what felt like ages.

"How are you?" He asked, finally breaking the ice.

She ignored his question and started, "I'm sorry for earlier. At the hospital... thank you for calling. I'm sorry I snapped at you"

"It's no problem." He recognized her attempts to sweep his question under the rug. "Liv, how are you?" He persisted.

"I've... been better" she finally replied, choking back the sobs that threatened.

"Do you want me to come over?" He braced himself as the words left his mouth, prepared for a repeat of her bitter response to that question a few hours before. Instead, he heard the strongest woman he knew, the woman who hated showing emotion, the woman that he loves begin to come unravelled on the other end of the line.

"Yes." Olivia answered so quietly that Brian questioned if he was just imagining her response because he so desperately hoped for it. His heart almost leapt out of his chest when he finally realized he'd heard her correctly.

"Okay Liv, I'll be there in a few. Do you want me to stay on the line with you?" Brian said as he pulled on a pair of sweats and a clean shirt as quickly as he could and rushed out the door to be with her.

"No. Just come. Please." Olivia quickly hung up the phone without saying goodbye, feeling the tears prick her eyes. She didn't want to make small talk, and she certainly didn't want to talk about the events that had transpired earlier that day. She just wanted the comfort of being wrapped in his arms. The safety that he provided. She curled up on the couch with tears streaming down her face until she heard a soft knock at the door and a key turn in the lock.

His key. To THEIR apartment.

She looked up just in time to see him walk into their living room, stopping in his tracks when he caught her puffy, red gaze. They simply stared at each other, neither one of them knowing where they stood, what they needed, how to fix the wedge of awkwardness that had been driven between them by Lewis, by their jobs, by the conversations (or lack thereof) about starting a family and growing old.

Brian moved to sit beside her on the couch, gingerly pulling her to lay her head in his lap and running his hands across her back. Whatever had happened between them, whatever stood ahead of them after tonight- none of that mattered right now.

"It's going to be okay, Liv. I've got you."


	2. Chapter 3

**A little rewind, background story, chapter 1 from Brian's perspective. Enjoy, and as always, leave feedback!**

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Brian flipped on the TV and stretched out on the ragged yet familiar couch in his mom's basement. He felt a little silly; a grown man crashing with his mother, but it was what it was and it was temporary. Insisting Olivia stay in their apartment was an easy decision, the only decision given the circumstances. She had been through so much already, and the last thing she needed was to uproot her life again. He could do this for her.

But now this. Lewis. Again. His heart had dropped when Tucker had pulled him into his office the previous morning, informing him of Lewis's escape. He fought back waves of nausea as he had watched Olivia numbly make her confession on TV. He begged God for her safety as he laid in bed all night listening to the police chatter on his radio that caused him to fear the worst. Tucker had called him that afternoon, an under-the-table notification that she was alive and at the hospital.

He called her as soon as he could work up the nerve. They hadn't spoken in two weeks, since the night of their "conscious uncoupling." Her shaky but firm voice did not mince words in telling him to bug off; she didn't need him. He hadn't quite formulated expectations at that point, but still, he was crushed. He missed her.

The shrill ring of his cell phone cut the silence and startled him out of his self-pity.

"Not now..." He grumbled as he reached for the offending chunk of metal. Not another case... not tonight, of all nights. Tucker may be a prick, but Brian expected some space after the ambiguous compassion he had seen from his boss that afternoon.

"Cassidy" he answered, trying to get his head in the game and put Olivia out of his mind for the time being.

It only took one syllable for his heart to melt.

"Bri?"

She was probably calling to ask him where he had stashed the extra toilet paper. What was the combination to the mailbox that she kept forgetting. To berate him for contacting her that afternoon in a more articulate way than she had been able to formulate while under the influence of sedatives and shock. Or maybe even to pick his brain over the IAB situation she was certain to face in the upcoming days, although Tucker had mentioned nothing of the sorts to him and she had to know as well as he did that IAB wouldn't let him anywhere near her case.

But still, she was calling him.

"Liv..." He said softly. When she failed to respond, he continued, treading lightly. "How are you?"

Instead of snapping back with the "fine" mantra he had grown so accustomed to hearing from her, she did something that shocked him.

_She apologized_.

His heart had leapt at her rare moment of transparency, but soon came crashing down at the realization of the brokenness it carried. Brian took on Olivia's expected role, reassuring her that all was well and forgiven and "fine".

"How are you, Liv?" He cautiously pushed again.

After nearly two years with the same woman, Brian would expect to understand her, to have her figured out in some form or fashion. But Olivia Benson wasn't just any woman. She continued to surprise him.

"I've... been better," she answered honestly, much to Brian's continued amazement.

"Do you want me to come over?" This was it... the moment of truth. He wanted more than anything to be with her, holding her, comforting her. If she wouldn't allow it as her boyfriend, then as a friend.

He heard a tiny voice choke out one work that changed everything: yes.

_Yes_. Yes?

Brian jumped off his couch to change his clothes and ran out the door, feeling his heart about to beat out of his chest. She wanted him there!

He raced to her apartment. Their apartment. He had offered to stay on the phone with her but she refused before hanging up quickly. In this instance, Brian knew her like the back of his hand. She had too much pride, too much stubbornness to lose it over the phone with her ex-boyfriend.

_Ex-boyfriend._ That word cut him deep, seeming too harsh for what it was intended to be. But it was just the same.

He knocked softly so as not to startle her as he unlocked the door and pushed it open. He heard muffled sobs coming from the couch, and made his way over to her. He froze when she looked up and caught his eyes.

The whole way over to her apartment, he practiced the conversation in his head. What he would say, how he would react. How he would tell her he was sorry for everything, he loved her, he missed her, he wanted this to work. He was taken aback that even through puffy red eyes, messy hair, and ripped jeans she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. She was still his same Olivia, yet she was different. Smaller, perhaps. Defeated.

The first encounter with Lewis had left her fight intact. She had a will to survive, a will to thrive beyond her circumstances. Now, that all seemed wasted.

He slowly moved to sit beside her on the couch. He briefly contemplated before reaching out to touch her shoulder, then placing his arm around her. When she didn't flinch away, he gently pulled her towards him, resting her head in his lap. He stroked her hair and rubbed her back, whispering softly.

"It's going to be okay, Liv. I've got you."


	3. Chapter 2

**A lot of sad and not a lot of plot action, but a little addition! More coming eventually! same as before, if you enjoyed this, please take the time to tell me so! **

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"_It's going to be okay, Liv. I've got you." _

That statement hit her like a ton of bricks. She had heard Brian say it time after time in the preceding months, but it never touched her quite the way it did now.

"I've got you." A year ago, those three words would have offended her to the core and sparked a fight to defend her independence. After the Lewis attack, she yearned for the comfort they provided as they were being whispered into her ear while Brian held her in the wee hours of the morning. Now, they served a painful reminder of the person she used to be. The person she would never be again.

All of the emotion she had kept inside over the last year finally came flowing out if her exhausted brown eyes. She was so tired.

She cried for the old Olivia Benson. The woman who was unstoppable, a force to be reckoned with. Fearless.

She cried for the flashbacks, the nightmares, the triggers, the unconscious flinching when someone touched her, the fear of car doors and Vodka and iron-framed beds.

She cried for Nick, and for Amanda, and for Fin, knowing that her burden had cut them far deeper than she would ever realize. Victims by association.

She cried for Cragan, and Munch, and Elliott... Elliott. Her stable foundation throughout her years at SVU had been ripped out from under her like a throwaway rug the previous three years.

She cried for Amelia, and for Lauren, and Dr. Cole. For their father as he had to helplessly watch his family fall apart. Another silent victim.

She cried for the other victims of Lewis's rampage. Faces she would never get to see, but their blood on her hands in some twisted and irrational way.

She cried for her mother, through all of this having gained a sliver of perspective about the demons her mother faced. The demons marked by her very existence.

And oh, how she cried for Brian. The man who had put his life on hold for her this past year through all of her ups and down and twists and turns and brokenness. The man who had promised over and over not to leave her, only for Olivia to make that decision for herself.

And now, with her head lying on Brian's lap, being soothed by his gentle touch in which was unfolding to be a wash-rinse-repeat cycle of the last year, she had finally reached a rock bottom far deeper than she ever thought existed.

"He's not here because he wants to be." She had to sadly remind herself of the reality here. He was at her apartment out of sympathy. Of habit. Of guilt. She had called him. She had asked for this. He would fulfill his obligation to protect her sanity for the night, and tomorrow things would return to this new normal. She wouldn't let herself depend on him this time. She just couldn't.

She turned over to look up at him, shocked to see his pained eyes ridden with tears as well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's a little short and sweet update. As always, more reviews = more motivation to continue :)**

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_He's not here because he wants to be." She had to sadly remind herself of the reality here. He was at her apartment out of sympathy. Of habit. Of guilt. She had called him. She had asked for this. He would fulfill his obligation to protect her sanity for the night, and tomorrow things would return to this new normal. She wouldn't let herself depend on him this time. She just couldn't._

_She turned over to look up at him, shocked to see his pained eyes ridden with tears as well._

"Bri..." Olivia sat up and spun around to face him, "I'm so sorry" she whispered. She flinched and pushed him away as Brian reached up to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Sorry? Liv, what are you talking about?" Brian answered in a genuine tone of confusion. If anyone should be sorry, it was him, he thought. He was the one who had put his job before his relationship. He was the one who had thrown Lewis back in her face during an argument before the breakup, reminding her of the painfully evident fact that she had never opened up to him about that encounter. He was the one who had let her go.

"This. For all of this. Asking you to come here. I shouldn't have." Brian continued his puzzled gaze as Olivia went on, "We're not together. You don't have to do this for me. You're not obligated."

"Come on, Liv... that's not how it is. I want to be here"

Olivia stood up and and walked into the kitchen, running her hands through her hair as she contemplated the words that were ruminating in her mind.

"No, this is a mistake. You being here. You should go." She said, softly but in her firm, detective persona.

Brian opened his mouth to protest, but she beat him to it. "You and me and my mess... the isn't what you want. This is your free pass."

Brian felt like he had just taken a knife through the heart. His hopes for a reconciliation, for a moment of clarity, for a second chance at their Hail Mary fading by the moment. All he wanted was to wrap Olivia in his arms and protect her from the hurt that was raining down, but first she had to let down her defense enough to allow it.

Brian took a deep breath and a hard swallow before treading carefully, trying desperately to make her understand.

"This is your problem, Olivia. I don't want a free pass. I want to be here with you, but you won't ever let anyone get close enough to help you. It's always you against the world and it doesn't have to be." Brian watched the look on her face harden as he spoke.

"What the hell?! After everything that's happened today, the last thing I want is a psychoanalysis from some ex-boyfriend with a savior complex. Don't make me your little pet project. I don't need you to fix me." Olivia exploded.

That word again, and it hit him like a slap in the face. Ex-boyfriend. Savior complex? Brian knew this wasn't Olivia. She was hurt, she was confused, and she was defeated. She was a shell of the woman he used to know. It stung just the same.

"Really, Liv? Is that all I am to you?" Brian was unable to hide the growing exasperation in his voice. "Is that all you think you are to me?"

"I can't do this right now, Brian. I can't fight with you. Just go." Olivia snapped, the tears starting to spill over once again. She turned on her heels and walked into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her and leaving Brian dumbfounded on the couch.


	5. Chapter 5

**Five chapters down, still a couple more to go! It's slow moving, but I love details, and I'm really loving writing the same situation from each of their perspectives. This is still sad Bensidy, but don't worry friends... happy is coming!**

**Thanks for all the feedback so far, it's definite motivation to continue this story. **

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_"What the hell?! After everything that's happened today, the last thing I want is a psychoanalysis from some ex-boyfriend with a savior complex. Don't make me your little pet project. I don't need you to fix me." Olivia exploded._

_That word again, and it hit him like a slap in the face. Ex-boyfriend. Savior complex? Brian knew this wasn't Olivia. She was hurt, she was confused, and she was defeated. She was a shell of the woman he used to know. It stung just the same._

_"Really, Liv? Is that all I am to you?" Brian was unable to hide the growing exasperation in his voice. "Is that all you think you are to me?"_

_"I can't do this right now, Brian. I can't fight with you. Just go." Olivia snapped, the tears starting to spill over once again. She turned on her heels and walked into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her and leaving Brian dumbfounded on the couch._

Brian pushed the building thoughts of anger out of his head, and reminded himself once again that this was not his Liv. He took some deep breaths as he attempted to regain his composure, still reeling from the sting of her words.

He knew she shouldn't be alone tonight, but he was at a loss. This was Olivia, and she was going to do things her way, damn the logic and damn the consequences.

He thought back to the therapy session he had attended with Olivia three weeks after her first meeting with Lewis. Dr. Lindstrom had encouraged her to bring him along one day, and after some gentle prodding, she had obliged. Brian was elated at the potential that time held, an opportunity to truly see behind her walls. It had been a fruitful time, although Brian could sense she was still much more guarded than she would have been without his presence in the room. Still, Dr. Lindstrom had spent the session advising Brian and Olivia both of what to expect in the days ahead in terms of relationship strain and his part in the healing process.

"Olivia's needs will vary on a daily basis," the doctor had cautioned. "Brian, sometimes you will be all she wants, and other times you will be the last thing she wants. She won't always know how to communicate that, and sometimes the way she is feeling may be the very opposite of what she may say. Be prepared for this to be a hard road for you too, as you navigate this with her. The most important thing you can do is be consistent. Don't get hurt or upset when she tries to push you away or when her actions don't make sense to you. Understand that it's not always an attack on you, but an attack on her own fears and insecurities. Trust your instincts on when to push and when to lay down arms and walk away."

Olivia had squeezed his hand and forced a smile at that point, as she looked from her therapist to her boyfriend, nodding slightly in agreement. She didn't like being witness to the uncomfortable conversation being held at her expense, and Brian could sense that. Still, he appreciated the wisdom being imparted, and Olivia's brief willingness to allow him entrance into her safe place. He vowed to put it into practice no matter what it took.

Brian let Dr. Lindstrom's words sink in once more as he mulled over the situation in front of him and the gray areas within it. Was their breakup final or just another expected step in Olivia's journey of uncertainty that Brian needed to remain steadfast through? She had been in a much better place prior to her last dance with Lewis, when the breakup had been initiated. She was eating again, enjoying work, smiling and even laughing. But the better Olivia felt, the more stable she felt on her own, the more compromised the relationship became. Gradually they had grown apart, stopped talking, and stopped trying.

Brian knew one thing for sure- he missed her. He missed having someone to come home to. He missed how she would cuddle up next to him with a sleepy smile when he finally crawled into bed after a long day at IAB. He missed planning for the future, a topic he thought about constantly, but after Lewis, never worked up the nerve to approach out loud. Brian loved kids, and wanted them desperately, but Olivia mistook his concern over the current timing as a blanket lack of interest.

His heart had leapt when she told him of the possibility of a pregnancy, but he was admittedly relieved when the test proved false. Having children with Olivia was his silent dream, but that topic that had been deeply buried after Lewis. Brian knew that bringing a child into Olivia's recovery was not ideal for any of them, and he chose to put his wants on hold to dedicate everything to supporting her, even if she didn't understand. Much to his dismay, that conversation had driven a wedge in their relationship that proved beyond repair.

Still, a flicker of hope remained in a situation that undoubtedly seemed as dim as the midnight sky. She had called him that night. She had been thinking of him. Brian found a ray of comfort in that.

Brian pushed off the couch and stood to his feet, pacing in the living room while contemplating his next move. He walked to her closed bedroom door and hesitated, before finally working up the nerve to knock.

"Liv?" He called. No response.

"Olivia, please?" He tried again, still to no avail.

Brian sighed and pushed the door open, thankful to find it unlocked. His eyes landed on his girl, curled up and facing the wall on what used to be his side of the bed. His heart shattered to watch her shoulders shake with sobs.

"Hey..." Brian leaned against the doorframe and waited desperately for her to respond. Anything. Seconds turned to minutes, and she still failed to acknowledge his presence in the room. He swallowed the growing lump in his throat and let the words spill out, hoping she was listening. "Liv, I'm the one who should be sorry. For everything. I want to be here with you more than anything, and I don't really know what to say to you right now, and I probably sound like a rambling idiot, but thank you for calling me tonight. What you've been through, all of this, you are incredible, Olivia. And I know you will be okay."

Brian noticed that Olivia's sobs had quieted, her body lying still on their bed. He tried one more time again.

"Let me sleep on the couch tonight, as your friend. You really want me to leave, then say the word, but I just want you to feel safe."

Brian made a risky move and approached her cautiously. He walked to the other side of the bed and knelt down to eye level, gently placing an arm on her shoulder to prevent her from turning away.

"Liv, I love you more than anything, and I want more than anything to do this with you... but that's going to have to be your call."

He kissed her forehead and reminded her once again that he loved her. Then he did the hardest thing possible- _He walked away._


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks once again for your reviews and kind words. My muse feeds off of them :) **

**Special shoutout to Nightwitch and PyramidCalyx for your comments; your stories are some of my favorites on here and it means a lot that you like mine! **

**I know that this is kind of all over the place as far as Olivia's responses and her basically going back and forth and almost contradicting herself but just trying to capture the fact that she really is all over the place!**

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"I can't do this right now, Brian. I can't fight with you. Just go." Olivia snapped, the tears starting to spill over once again. She turned on her heels and walked into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her and leaving Brian dumbfounded on the couch.

Olivia didn't understand herself. In an hour's time she had gone from vehemently arguing that she was 'fine' to her coworkers, to calling her ex-boyfriend in a moment of weakness, sobbing in his arms, then turning on him in an instant and snapping words that shocked even her.

Olivia leaned back against the closed door and caught her breath, taking her head into her hands. She was a mess and she knew it. She wandered to the bed and collapsed, giving into the weight of the last 24 hours. She was tired.

Olivia heard a knock on the door and felt her body spring into overdrive. Lewis was dead. He couldn't hurt her again. And even if he could, he sure as hell wouldn't be knocking. She almost had to laugh through her panic. The dichotomy between a polite knock to request entrance and the heinous nature of the man's forceful actions was supremely ironic.

"Liv?"

Brian. It was just Brian. Olivia breathed a sign of relief as her anxiety dissipated and she let the calmness his voice provided wash over her body.

"Olivia, please?"

She was shocked that he was still in the building, feeling certain that she had run him off with her previous outburst.

Despite his tough exterior, Brian would do anything for anybody, regardless of his actual desire to do so. It was a trait that Olivia was skeptical of at first, and she found herself constantly questioning his motives in the beginning stages of dating. As their relationship flourished, she found that very quality something she grew to admire most about him, but in their current situation her skepticism was prevailing. Brian would be here for her because that's just the kind of person he was, regardless of his own desires in the situation.

She heard the door creak open and resisted the urge to turn over to face him. Truthfully, she couldn't face him after the way she had exploded. She was embarrassed. Humiliated, for the thousandth time today, first by Lewis, then by 'standard procedure', now by herself.

She unwillingly let her mind drift back to the granary. The thought of his skin on her caused her body to tense up. She could still feel Lewis's hands fondling her breast, gruffly working her belt buckle, sliding underneath her waistband... please, no.

"Hey..."

Brian's shaky voice fumbled for words, but snapped her back to reality nonetheless. "Liv, I'm the one who should be sorry. For everything. I want to be here with you more than anything, and I don't really know what to say to you right now, and I probably sound like a rambling idiot, but thank you for calling me tonight. What you've been through, all of this, you are incredible, Olivia. And I know you will be okay."

Brian was too good to her, and his words soothed her shaky sobs to an intermittent stream of tears. She wanted nothing more than to give up, give in and curl up in his arms. Just for tonight.

Just for tonight. It was that stipulation that held the game changer. Olivia knew whatever arrangement she allowed herself to succumb to tonight was temporary. If she allowed the instant gratification today, then tomorrow's parting would be exponentially more painful, and she knew it was inevitably going to happen.

"Let me sleep on the couch tonight, as your friend. You really want me to leave, then say the word, but I just want you to feel safe." Brian's words startled her once again to the present.

She couldn't bring herself to say no.

She heard footsteps approach, and Brian slowly appeared in her peripheral vision. He crouched down in front of her, and placed a gentle but decisive hand on her shoulder when she moved to turn away. Instead, she closed her eyes in a stubborn attempt of avoidance.

"Liv, I love you more than anything, and I want more than anything to do this with you... but that's going to have to be your call." Olivia felt his lips on her forehead. She'd forgotten how good he felt.

Wait. He still loved her? After all of this, the breakup, he still loved her. For the first time that night, she realized she may have been wrong about Brian after all. Through Lewis, through her phone, through all of the harsh words and confusing actions she had thrown at him today, he still had the heart to use the L-word.

Olivia opened her eyes and sat up, only to find Brian nowhere in sight.

He had walked away.

She had let him walk away.


	7. Chapter 7

As** always, thanks for your comments :**

**I'm trying to balance being detail oriented but not too slow and boring. If y'all want me to speed it up, then say the word... or if you like this now, you can tell me that too :) For now, I'm enjoying writing the back and forth of Olivia and Brian's perspectives (the "black" and "white" from the title) but I aim to please! **

**I work night shift, and this has given me something mentally stimulating and enjoyable to do in the middle of night when all my patients are tucked in and sleeping nicely (or... not)**

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_Brian made a risky move and approached her cautiously. He walked to the other side of the bed and knelt down to eye level, gently placing an arm on her shoulder to prevent her from turning away._

_"Liv, I love you more than anything, and I want more than anything to do this with you... but that's going to have to be your call."_

_He kissed her forehead and reminded her once again that he loved her. Then he did the hardest thing possible- He walked away._

Brian felt his heart drag on the floor behind him as he walked back to the living room, but he chose to channel Dr. Lindstrom in the moment and allow them both some space to breathe. Olivia needed to battle inside her own mind, and he needed some time to regroup.

True to his word, and without Olivia's outright objection, Brian settled onto the couch for the night. He was still unsure if her lack of response translated to silent permission, but he chose to take the gamble.

He stretched out on the familiar couch, the couch that he and Olivia had argued over for days during the moving process. She wanted the brown leather, he wanted blue, and it became an iconic, almost humorous tug of war. Brian let out a sigh, now beginning to dread the conversation to be had in the morning when Olivia discovered his presence in their living room. He reminded himself that he still technically lived there. Half of this apartment was his, even half of the brown leather couch.

Brian wavered on the fine line of exhaustion and adrenaline, his mind still racing with the events of the last two days but his body losing the fight to stay awake. He reached to turn off the lamp, but ultimately decided against it. He wanted his presence in the room to be obvious in case she ventured out of the bedroom while he was asleep. He knew better than to startle her. And truthfully, selfishly, Brian didn't want her to miss seeing that he was still here, hanging on.

He burrowed under the blanket, murmuring prayers for a brighter tomorrow. He drifted in and out of sleep, tossing and turning for a couple of hours before waking up abruptly to a noise in the kitchen behind him. Brian hadn't realized how much the events of the last few days had placed him on edge as well, and his head sleepily popped up over the back of the couch to investigate.

His eyes landed on Olivia staring back at him, frozen in her tracks with a wine glass in one hand and a bottle in the other. The tension in the room was almost tangible. "It takes seven seconds to make an awkward silence," he remembered Munch often saying, and the discomfort travelled well beyond that timeframe. Still, neither party ventured to move forward.

"What time is it?" Brian asked, finally piercing the silence with a relatively safe opening.

"Almost three. Sorry if I woke you up. I didn't expect you to still be here."

"Don't worry about it. I wasn't really sleeping anyways."

"Yeah... me either" Olivia replied distantly, staring at the floor.

Silence, round 2.

Brian heard the refrigerator door open and close, and Olivia soon appeared in the living room, handing him a beer from the back of the fridge. It was a sad reminder that he had cohabited this place so recently, little pieces of him still in the front and center and subtle of these four walls. Olivia sat down on the couch, as far to the other end as she possibly could.

"I'm glad you are though," He heard her say quietly.

"Glad I'm what?" Brian responded.

"Here."

Round 3. Quiet.

"Do you, uh, want to talk?" Brian asked cautiously after a few minutes of silent sipping on their respective coping mechanisms of choice.

"Not really, but I guess we're going to have to." Olivia sighed.

Brian looked at her confused. In nearly a year since her kidnapping, she had never quite treated that topic as mandatory discussion.

"I mean this..." Olivia motioned between them, "Us." She narrowed her eyes, shooting a silent warning that they were not touching his assumed topic at the present time. Or ever.

"Let's not do that part tonight, Liv. We can talk about that tomorrow." Brian held his breath. Olivia was rarely one to suggest conversation, and neither was he for that matter. He didn't want to miss his opportunity of willingness, but logic won over. They were both exhausted, emotionally strained, and all-around done.

"I have to be at IAB early, but I don't expect Tucker to clear me to work" Olivia said with a roll of her eyes. Brian reciprocated the gesture in reference to his boss. "I just have to give my statement, I guess. Maybe we could meet after?"

Brian nodded in agreement.

"We should probably try to sleep for another couple hours," Olivia suggested, Brian again returning a nod.

Olivia stood up and moved towards the bedroom as Brian stretched back out in the couch, covering himself again with the blanket.

"'Night, Liv" he called after her.

Olivia turned around in the doorway and paused.

"Our bed is a lot more comfortable than that couch, you know."


	8. Chapter 8

_Wait. He still loved her? After all of this, the breakup, he still loved her. For the first time that night, she realized she may have been wrong about Brian after all. Through Lewis, through the breakup, through her phone call at the hospital, through all of the harsh words and confusing actions she had thrown at him today, he still had the heart to use the L-word._

_Olivia opened her eyes and sat up, only to find Brian nowhere in sight._

_She had let him walk away_

_"_Get yourself together, Benson" she chided herself. This was all for the best, and it was better to not get attached, she reminded herself over and over again.

She had worked long and unpredictable hours for years, frequently forgoing nights of sleep, but this was different. She couldn't remember a time where she had been more mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Despite the adrenaline still coursing through her veins, she fell asleep quickly, her mind betraying her as soon as she slipped under the veil of unconsciousness.

_"She walked to the familiar squadroom, Lewis's gun pressed firmly into her lower spine. He pushed her into the Captain's office and clicked the lock shut. She hurriedly scanned the room and met familiar faces staring back at her: Amelia. Calvin. Baby Doe. Eli Stabler. Little Olivia. Children that she had come to love and have an overwhelming desire to protect as Lewis pointed the gun at each of them. She looked out the window to see her squad at their desks, laughing and carrying on. She screamed for help, over and over and over again, begging someone to help them... To help her. No one looked. No one cared. Lewis's hand met her flushed cheek and nearly knocked her backwards, silencing her cries. "It's you or them" he growled. Olivia swallowed and nodded. Lewis slammed her against the desk and shoved his hands into her waistband, pulling her jeans to her ankles. Exposing her for everyone to see. His hands ran across her bare thighs, roughly grabbing..."_

Olivia woke up in a cold sweat, the thoughts of Lewis still dominating her mind. She sat up and wrapped her arms around herself, attempting furiously to slow her breathing and clear her head from the unwelcome intrusion.

Wine. Maybe wine would help. She had stopped at the bodega the night before Lewis called her. That now seemed like so long ago. The bottle hadn't had a chance to be touched, but now she could hear it screaming her name from the other room.

Olivia stood up and headed into the kitchen. She pushed open the door and jumped when her eyes landed on a figure resting on the couch.

Brian.

His presence sent her emotions teetering between elation and dread as she tiptoed into the kitchen and pulled a glass from the top shelf, taking extra care to silence her movements. She poured a generous helping of the red liquid and moved to replace the cork, accidentally knocking the bottle against the countertop in the process. The sound pierced the silence and Olivia heard Brian begin to stir in the other room

"Damn it" she whispered to herself, freezing in her current position. She prayed he would go back to sleep and delay the inevitable conversation now looming over them.

No such luck. A face appeared over the back of the couch, and his eyes immediately returned her cold stare.

Olivia had a thousand questions bouncing in her skull. Why are you here? Why didn't you leave when I asked you to? How could you still be here after everything I've already put you through? Did you mean it when you said you love me? Still?

"What time is it?" Brian finally broke the silence and Olivia was immensely grateful he had taken the initiative.

She glanced toward the fluorescent numbers on the microwave.

"Almost three" she quietly responded. "Sorry if I woke you up. I wasn't expecting you to still be here"

"It's okay. I wasn't really sleeping anyways"

Olivia knew the feeling all too well, and voiced her commiseration. She opened up the refrigerator to replace her bottle of wine, and her eyes landed on a stray bottle of beer shoved behind her groceries. She knew it was a remnant of Brian. Without thinking twice she pulled it out and brought it to him, assuming he may need his own form of comfort tonight. She sat down on the couch, leaving as much distance between them as she practically could.

Olivia looked at the man sitting beside her, really looked at him. He looked exhausted, an emotion she was sure mirrored her own expression. Her eyes traced the contours of his face and she was sure he had aged ten years over the past twelve months. Because of her.

"I'm glad you are," she whispered so quietly she was unsure if he had even heard.

"Glad I'm what?" He asked, clearly confused by her delayed response.

"Here," she clarified. It was a true statement, reaching even beyond the current situation. Brian had always been there. The two spent the following minutes in silence, each nursing their beverages, attempting to relax the current atmosphere before attempting any semblance of conversation.

"Do you, uh, want to talk?" Brian yet again was the one to break the silence.

"Not really, but I guess we're going to have to," Olivia answered truthfully, referencing the current ambiguity of their relationship. The confused look on his face told her that they were on two different wavelengths. She quickly realized Brian was attempting to open the door to a conversation about Lewis.

No. NO. Olivia shot him a look to leave no doubt that she was not going to allow that conversation to take place anytime in the near future. "I mean this... Us" she clarified.

"Let's not do that part tonight, Liv. We can talk about that tomorrow." Olivia's heart sank at his lack of willingness before realizing he was probably right. A conversation of this magnitude at this point in the night after this kind of day was certain to end nowhere productive.

"I have to be at IAB early, but I don't expect Tucker to clear me to work" Olivia said with a roll of her eyes. The thought of Tucker asking such personal questions about what Lewis had attempted sent shivers down her spine. "I just have to give my statement, I guess. Maybe we could meet after?"

Brian nodded in agreement.

"We should probably try to sleep for another couple hours," Olivia suggested, knowing it was probably a pointless battle. She felt her eyelids getting heavy by the second. She wanted nothing more that peaceful sleep, but she knew the second she drifted off her mind would be swirling with ideas of Lewis.

The thought of being alone in the confines of her bedroom terrified her. And Brian was so close, so available. But no, she couldn't do it. She had allowed him into her home, but allowing him back into her bed would be too much, too tempting.

"Night Liv" she heard him call as she made her way towards the bedroom.

She turned around in the doorway to look back at his sad expression and his tall figure curled up on the too-small couch.

Vague permission spilled from her lips before she could give logic a chance to kick in.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sweet Bensidy pillow talk :)**

* * *

_Olivia stood up and moved towards the bedroom as Brian stretched back out on the couch, covering himself again with the blanket. _

_"'Night, Liv," he called after her. _

_Olivia turned around in the doorway and paused. _

_"Our bed is a lot more comfortable than that couch, you know."_

Brian felt a grin slide across his face. They weren't perfect, but this was certain progress, and he could sense she wasn't just extending the olive branch for the sake of his own comfort. He trailed Olivia into the bedroom and climbed under the covers beside her, careful to maintain a safe distance between them.

He laid still, hands folded behind his head, reflecting on time just a few months before when they would lie in bed for hours, tangled up in each other, talking about everything under the sun. Now, the physical space in between them served a stark representation of the distance in their relationship.

He listened to Olivia breathe, fully aware that she was just as awake as he was. He had so many questions running through his head, and finally worked up the nerve to let a clarifying one spill out of his mouth.

"So, uh, what do you want me to do right now?"

"You're not going to get lucky tonight, Brian." she mumbled.

"No! God, no, Liv. That's not what I meant. I wasn't even thinking about that, I'm sorry, I-" He panicked.

Olivia cut him off. "Calm down Bri. It was a joke."

Brian forced a painfully fake laugh, kicking himself for setting himself up to be misinterpreted. Olivia rolled on her side to look at him.

"Sorry. I'm just not used to us being so awkward, just trying to lighten things up. What are you asking?"

"I just don't want to do the wrong thing here. What do you want from me? Do you just want me to stay on my side of the bed? Can I... can I touch you?"

Brian desperately wanted to wrap her up in his arms and allow them both to fall asleep that way, basking in the comfort that the close contact provided. He felt they both needed that tonight, he needed that, but he was terrified to overstep Olivia's boundaries, and he knew she would have to set the tone. He had known exactly what he wanted for a long time.

Olivia was always very protective over the details of her time with Lewis, but through the parts of the trial she allowed him at and her middle of the night outbursts, he had been able to formulate somewhat of a scenario. This time, however, he was blind. What had he done this time? Had he hurt her? Had he raped her?

Olivia pulled her hand out from under the covers and extended it out towards the middle of the bed. Brian understood the gesture and cupped it in his, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"This is good right now," She reassured him with a hint of a smile.

"Okay... okay." He returned her smile "What about if you have a nightmare?" Brian wanted to go ahead and cover all his bases while she was talking.

They had developed a system, an unfortunate tradition in the weeks following Lewis. Olivia's nights were plagued with unwelcome intrusions of those four days, and she would wake up frequently in a cold sweaty panic. She would first attempt to calm herself down and remain composed enough to not disturb Brian, but as the memories kept coming, her anxious breathing and muffled sobs would wake her partner. He would sit up and attempt to comfort her, but she would shrug him off and assure him she was fine, but Brian could always see through her facade. She would finally give in and allow him to wrap his arms around her, holding her tightly and rocking her as he whispered in her ear that he was here and she was safe. She would finally relax and he would lay them both down, letting her fall back asleep with her head on his chest and his arms around her.

These moments, however unwelcome, were something Brian treasured. He hated to see her hurting, but he reveled in the certain kind of closeness that they provided. As middle of the night cuddle and comfort sessions had transitioned back to busyness, normality, and timid intimacy, Brian had felt the distance between them grow and the relationship crumbling under his feet.

"I don't really know," Olivia shrugged snapping Brian's rabbit trail of thoughts back to the present."We'll see how it goes."

He nodded. "You just tell me what you want, okay?"

The pair laid in silence once again until Brian's thoughts once again escaped through his mouth.

"You know, Liv... last year, when everybody was, uh, trying to find you... I never thought I could be more scared," He confessed, trying hard to find the words, "but last night, I kept listening to my radio and thinking, I really screwed things up with you, and what if I never had the chance to make it right?" Brian blinked back the moisture that was threatening his eyes. "I'm just, um... really glad you're still here"

She looked over and smiled at him, "Me too" he heard a small voice reply, and Brian knew exactly what she was trying to communicate in her stubborn, strong, Olivia Benson kind of way.

"Hey Brian?"

"Yeah?" He perked up as she leaned over to whisper in his ear.

"If you don't stop talking and let me go to sleep I'm going to kick you back to the couch."

He squeezed her hand one more time and drifted off with a smile on his face.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the delay. Enjoy! **

* * *

_The thought of being alone in the confines of her bedroom terrified her. And Brian was so close, so available. But no, she couldn't do it. She had allowed him into her home, but allowing him back into her bed would be too much, too tempting._

"Night Liv" she heard him call as she made her way towards the bedroom.

She turned around in the doorway to look back at his sad expression and his tall figure curled up on the too-small couch.

Vague permission spilled from her lips before she could give logic a chance to kick in.

Olivia couldn't help but offer a tiny smile as she watched the mixed look of shock and elation cross Brian's face. It made her hopeful, like maybe his presence here and now reached beyond guilt and obligation.

Olivia walked back to the bedroom with Brian following close behind. She crawled under the covers, watching carefully as he did the same. She noticed that he took extra care to settle as far as he could on his side of the bed, and for that she was immensely grateful. Women stereotypically had the reputation for being bed hogs, but the two of them were different. Brian was notorious for sprawling out right in the middle of the bed, stealing the covers, sometimes even subconsciously contorting himself onto her pillow in the wee hours of the morning. Olivia always grumbled about it, but she secretly never minded, as the lack of space gave her no other option but to cuddle up close to him.

This, though. Tonight was different.

She laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, sneaking quick peeks at the man lying beside her. He didn't notice. She breathed him in, savoring a scent she could only describe as pure Brian. A blend of Old Spice and coffee and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on, but it was oddly comforting.

She wanted to slide over and rest her head on his chest like she had done so many times before, but the thought of Brian's hands on her made her shudder, despite the fact that she had welcomed it mere hours earlier. She wanted to kick and scream and tell him to leave. She wanted to get up and run, out the door, out of the building, out of the city where everyone now knew her as the humiliating face of police brutality. She wanted to be strong enough to not want her ex-boyfriend, or have her coworkers see her as weak, as a victim. She wanted to rewind to last summer and just shoot the bastard.

She wanted to figure out what was happening between Brian and her, why her blurry ex-boyfriend was lying on the other side of the mattress, if he was here out of obligation or if she truly still meant something to him.

She didn't know what she wanted.

So she continued to stare, now fixing her eyes on the window and the carefree atmosphere of the city, the shifting crowd on the sidewalk oblivious to the turmoil going on in the apartment above them. She wanted to say something, anything, but unable to think of adequate words.

"So, uh, what do you want me to do right now?" Brian was once again faithful to break the silence.

"You're not going to get lucky tonight, Brian" Olivia resorted to using humor as a defense mechanism. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, seeing the hurt flood his face and hearing the panic in his voice as he frantically tried to explain himself.

Olivia immediately regretted her word choice and her reduction of the man beside her to little more than a sex-crazed tool. He had gained somewhat of a reputation after the Ganzel scandal and his subsequent demotion, but Olivia knew that intimacy was the last thing he would be thinking about tonight, let alone vocalizing.

Brian wasn't like that. He had treated her with such tenderness in the days after Lewis. He had never pushed the issue of physical contact, even though Olivia felt like she took longer than 'normal' to regain the desire for intimacy, and even then, nothing about it was 'normal'. He had allowed her to completely set the pace of their private time and never once showed frustration with her hesitation or timidness.

"Calm down, Bri. It was a joke" she interrupted his backtrack. She rolled over to face him, offering him the eye contact she had spent a majority of the evening avoiding. She felt she owed it to him. "Sorry. I'm just not used to us being so awkward, just trying to lighten things up. What are you asking?"

She watched Brian's thought process play out in his expressions as he searched for words. She again felt guilty at how carefully he was trying not to say something to hurt her.

"I just don't want to do the wrong thing here. What do you want from me? Do you just want me to stay on my side of the bed? Can I... can I touch you?" Brian cautiously asked.

Olivia's heart melted at Brian's overt display of sweetness in his awkward attempt at communication. Again, she found herself caught between wanting to fling herself onto him, but the thought of being touched in the same places Lewis had his hands on still made her stomach turn, and the problem of tomorrow always looming.

She pulled her hand out from under the covers and carefully stretched it toward Brian. He returned a look of surprise before coming to understand her intentions. He smiled at her, taking her hand in his and squeezing gently.

A hand was safe, non-committal, unattached. After all, she had uncharacteristically allowed Nick Amaro to hold her hand during that afternoon's body probing, and she sure as hell didn't think of him like that.

"This is good for now," she told Brian, mirroring his awkward smile.

"What about if you have a nightmare?" Brian asked uncertainly

_"When I have a nightmare,"_ she thought. She knew exactly what he was asking, and it was almost inevitable. She had already been shaken once tonight, unbeknownst to Brian, and Lewis was ever present, glaring back at her every time she allowed herself to let her guard down and close her eyes.

"I don't know," she said with an honest shrug, "we'll see what happens." She knew she was anything but rational in the moments immediately after waking up, and what she requested now may be then polar opposite of what she needed in the moment. Her head was telling her to keep Brian at a distance, and to learn to self-soothe, as that was going to be the new norm. But her heart knew that in the moment, she would want him, and she wasn't quite ready to let that door of potential close.

"You know, Liv... last year, when everybody was, uh, trying to find you... I never thought I could be more scared... but last night, I kept listening to my radio and thinking, I really screwed things up with you, and what if I never had the chance to make it right?"

Brian's left-field admission sent Olivia's thoughts into overdrive.

"Me too." Was all of the response she could muster. _I was thinking about you too. I was scared I would never see you again too. I screwed things up too._

Not tonight. They would discuss this tomorrow, delve back into the conversations that had torn them apart. But now, she had hope that maybe, just maybe, they wanted the same thing.

"Hey Brian?"

"Yeah?" Brian perked up and lifted his head off the pillow to look at her.

Olivia began to feel bad, knowing that Brian was hoping for a response beyond her two-word offering, but her emotions just couldn't handle that tonight. The exhaustion began to win once again. She leaned in close to him, whispering in his ear, "If you don't stop talking and let me go to sleep, I'm going to kick you back to the couch."

The unintentional playfulness in her actions surprised even herself. He grinned at her and squeezed her hand as she rolled back over, still hand in hand with this man beside her, whatever he was to her.

_"I love you too, Brian." _The words swirled inside her head.

For a second, one brief, uncomplicated second... Everything felt _normal_.


	11. Chapter 11

**I kind of feel like this is turning into an episode of "24"... each chapter a consecutive short snippet of time. Are y'all still hanging with me? Still reading? Still want more or ready for an ending? I would appreciate any feedback :)**

**I had a good friend with PTSD in college, and she had some pretty severe and violent nightmares. I tried to write this based on what I remember of my experience with her. **

**As requested... and actually, planned beforehand, Olivia has a nightmare. **

* * *

_Hey Brian?"_

_"Yeah?" He perked up as she leaned over to whisper in his ear. _

_"If you don't stop talking and let me go to sleep I'm going to kick you back to the couch."_

_He squeezed her hand one more time and drifted off with a smile on his face. _

A sharp noise startled Brian awake. He blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision as he searched for the clock.

4:27am

He used his sleeve to wipe the sleep that had accumulated in his eyes. Brian rarely slept in a shirt, and quite frankly, he hated to do so. He loved the freeing feeling of stripping down to his boxers, or less, and crawling under the covers, especially with Olivia beside him.

The first time she had invited him back into bed with her, three days after being released from the hospital, she had timidly asked him to stop as he began his bedtime routine. Brian understood. For her, there was something less intimidating, less sexual, less invasive about sharing a bed while fully clothed, and he obliged without a second thought. He knew there were very few things she would outright ask of him, and it was a comfort to be able to do something definite and tangible for her at a time when every interaction felt like a gamble.

That arrangement had continued without question until one mid-June evening when he was getting ready for bed. Olivia had caught him off guard when she walked up behind him, snaked her arms around to the front hem of his NYPD tshirt, and lifted it off over his head. "I miss you," she had mumbled into the bare skin of his back as she wrapped her arms around his torso and placed brave kisses in between his shoulder blades. Although the physical interaction didn't continue much further that night, Brian took it as implied permission that although she wasn't quite ready to go back to their normal routine, he could at least reclaim his.

Brian had again left his shirt on tonight out of respect.

He heard the noise again, a series of whimpers coming from the figure starting to squirm beside him. It snapped his train of thought back to the present.

"Liv," he whispered loudly, trying to wake her without the sound of his voice becoming part of the nightmare that held her captive.

He reached over to the nightstand and turned the lamp on, knowing that the soft glow of light would help her reorient to her surroundings and safety more quickly once she woke up. He hated how experienced he had become with this.

"Liv!" He said in a slightly louder tone. He pulled himself to a sitting position and fixed his eyes on her, as he had so many times before. Both of her arms were stretched above her head, fixed in place and crossed at the wrists as if handcuffed or bound together. He assumed this had been the scenario during her four days with Lewis, but he always knew better than to ask. He almost felt guilty, as if he was invading her privacy by watching. These times were how he had found out a majority of what he knew about what he did to her, as she was anything but forthcoming with those details.

She writhed on the bed with tears streaming down her face and whimpers escaping from her mouth. He watched her breaths become increasingly fast and shallow.

"Olivia!" Brian nearly yelled, reaching out to touch her shoulders and gently shaking her, unable to watch her suffer any longer.

She finally woke up, nearly swinging at him in the process. She shot up as her eyes wildly scanned the dim room. Brian moved into her line of sight and chased her eyes with his own, attempting to establish eye contact and ground her to the reality that she was safe now and with him.

"Yeah... It's okay, I'm fine. Go back to sleep," she insisted, turning away and waving him off. He could easily see that she was still shaking and struggling to catch her breath.

"Liv..." He started, as he cautiously reached out to touch her elbow.

One syllable was all it took. She frantically grabbed for him, latching on to his shirt as she buried her soggy face in his sleeve. He put his arms around her and wordlessly held her for a length of time that likely felt like much longer than it actually was. He knew any words ruminating in his mind were trivial at best so he chose to remain awkwardly silent.

Suddenly, she pulled away from him and scurried into the bathroom. Brian wanted to afford her whatever privacy she needed, but his gut told him something wasn't right. He waited for a couple of minutes before deciding to take the gamble and check on her.

He leaned against the open doorframe and caught site of her reflection in the mirror fiercely abrading her face with a washcloth, tears streaming down her face. His gut reaction was to rush to her and grab her wrists to stop her from hurting herself, her sensitive skin already turning red and raw. But he had learned better than that.

He carefully made his way to her and took the washcloth from her hands. He placed one hand on the back of her neck to steady her, and with the other, gently continued wiping her face of whatever invisible offense she was trying to cleanse herself of, catching her tears in the process.

He had found her before, obsessively showering, panicking when her wrists were restrained, even chopping off her hair, but he was a little unsure why the new preoccupation with scrubbing her face. But again, he knew better than to ask.

She turned to face him, her face red and splotchy and stained with tears. She wrapped her arms around him and leaned in close.

"I can still... taste him" she mumbled into his chest.

He felt his heart race and his grip on her subconsciously stiffen as his mind began to run away with the statement that fell from her lips. It was enough to cause Olivia to pick her head up and look at him.

"It's not what it sounds like," she mumbled again. "He didn't. I'm okay."

Brian breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that at least his dominant fears had been put to rest. "Yeah... you're okay."


	12. Chapter 12

**I had to finish the second part of this scene from Olivia's perspective, but the next chapter will skip a little but and pick up in the morning. Sound good? Any requests or things you guys want to see?**

* * *

_Olivia found herself back in her old apartment. This time, however, she wasn't alone. She was restrained on the bed, her arms bound above her head as she continued to squirm in an attempt to free herself. This time, Lewis had also lured Brian. He tied him to a chair in the corner, a front row seat to the action he had planned for Olivia. _

_Lewis walked over to her, deriving great joy from running his hands over her writhing body. "Are you getting excited, detective Benson?" He hissed as he climbed on top of her and began to unfasten her belt. _

_"Liv," Brian begged, as he took in the scene unfolding in front of him His eye were wide with fear as he continued to watch the assault on his girlfriend's body. Lewis looked over at Brian and smiled, dismounting the bed and temporarily transitioning his focus from Olivia to the man in the corner. _

_"Olivia!" Brian yelled at her, begging for her help as Lewis held the gun to his forehead, grinning wildly. _

Suddenly her eyes flew open. She scrambled to a sitting position, chest heaving, eyes spilling over with tears as she frantically scanned her dimly-lit surroundings.

"Hey... Hey," Brian whispered to her as he moved in front of her, into her line of sight. She let out a tiny sigh of relief. He was okay. It was just a dream. She was safe.

"Yeah, it's okay, I'm fine... Go back to sleep," she managed to choke out, knowing full well Brian would pay no attention her plea. She ducked her head and turned away, making every attempt to hide her shaky frame and rapid breathing from the man beside her.

"Liv..." She heard him say with a voice full of compassion and concern as he gently, so very gently placed a hand on her forearm.

One syllable, one mention of her name from his lips was all it took for her to throw all of her reservations, her pride, and her self-protection aside. She fell into him, grabbing the back of his shirt and burying her face in his sleeve as her resolve crumbled and the floodgates spilled open.

She wiped her face on his shirt, fully aware that she was soaking it full of tears and snot and the scant amount of makeup she had applied earlier that evening to make her feel human again.

Her mind flashed back to the moment of impact. The fearlessness in Lewis's eyes. The piercing sound of the explosion. The smell of the smoking firearm. The sticky feeling of blood and gray matter splashing across her face. The warm, metallic taste in her stunned mouth.

She shoved Brian away and scrambled into the bathroom. There she stood in front the mirror, staring at the foreign figure in front of her. She could still the blood splattered across her face, trailing down her cheeks as it had mixed with her tears of shock and fear and relief over seeing Lewis's body crumpled in front of her. The mere seconds it has taken for her squad to find her in the aftermath felt like the longest of her life.

She ripped a washcloth from the towel rack and began to scrub. She scrubbed and she scrubbed and she scrubbed, determined to rid herself of every remnant of him.

She heard footsteps behind her and felt Brian slowly still her movements with a sturdy hand. He gently removed the cloth from her grip and continued her work to cleanse herself of an offense she knew he couldn't even see.

Olivia appreciated his tenderness more than she could ever admit. He didn't treat her like she was crazy. He didn't try to restrain her. He didn't ask questions. He simply followed her lead, understanding her need to just feel clean again. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close as he reciprocated the embrace.

"I can still... taste him." Olivia mumbled into his chest. She felt Brian's arms tense around her, and immediately realized where his mind had gone with her moment of vulnerability. No, No, No. She had done everything in her power to protect his mind from the intrusion of what Lewis has done to her. And in turn, to protect herself from the way she would knew Brian would look at her after those images had infiltrated his mind. Olivia knew she couldn't let everything she had worked to guard them both from be in vain by what was playing out in his head from the way he had misinterpreted her statement. She had to say something.

She lifted her head up to meet his eyes, glossed over and deep in panicked thought. "He didn't." She stated. Memories of Sealview began to flood her mind, another situation that Brian knew nothing about. "I'm okay," she said in as much of an effort to convince herself as it was to attempt to reassure him of the statement. Just because Lewis didn't rape her in any physical definition of the word didn't mean that her assault wasn't brutal and world wasn't crumbling all the same, but in some twisted way of thinking, it allowed her to hold on to a sliver of her contrived dignity.

She felt Brian breathe a sigh of false relief onto the back of her neck as he hugged her tighter. "Yeah..." He echoed her statement, his tone sounding as uncertain as she felt. "You're okay."


End file.
